Getting to the Heart of Healthy Relationships

"I'm sorry, but I'm breaking up with you."

I remember almost a year ago, I was sitting in a restaurant with my (now ex) boyfriend on our last date. Usually he was the one to ask me out on dates, but this time was different. I'd had some concerns about our relationship for a while, but now we'd reached a breaking point. Over the past few days, I'd learned a few things about my boyfriend. He was addicted to pornography. He had irresponsible spending habits. And he disapproved of my mental health medication because he believed I just needed more faith. I couldn't take it anymore, and my best friend's mother (a very wise woman) advised me to break up with him. So I did.

But to be honest, even though ending the relationship was clearly the right choice, it was far from an easy one. How could this happen? I wondered. We love each other. Except we didn't love each other—not fully, at least.

Growing up, I heard that "all you need is love." And yes, that's true—but love isn't what most people think it is. Building a healthy relationship is like making cookies. We all think of sweetness when we think of cookies. However, cookies are more than just sugar. They have to have stabilizing ingredients (like flour and eggs) to keep them from crumbling. The same is true with love. We all think of affection when we hear the word "love," but real love is more than just warm, fuzzy feelings. There has to be something to hold the relationship together, or else it's going to fall apart.

So, in honor of Valentine's Day, I decided to get to the HEART of healthy relationships. All healthy relationships—not just romantic ones—are built on these five things:

Honesty—being truthful and sincere toward the other person
• Voicing your feelings and concerns
• Following through on commitments and taking care of responsibilities
• Telling the other person about important information that he/she has a right to know

Endearment—feeling and showing affection toward the other person
• Being with him/her often
• Verbally expressing your love/appreciation for the other person
• Physical affection—can range from handshakes to hugs; different levels of intimacy are appropriate for different relationships

Assistance—supporting the other person practically, socially, and emotionally
• Practical support—doing favors for the other person and offering advice when appropriate
• Social support—encouraging the other person to develop relationships and engage in activities outside of your relationship with him/her
• Emotional support—listening to the other person and being empathetic

Respect—honoring the other person's boundaries
• Being considerate of the other person's needs and desires
• Stopping a behavior when you realize that it's harming the other person physically or emotionally
• Allowing the other person to make his/her own decisions and share his/her thoughts and feelings

Trust—feeling and acting as though you can rely on the other person
• Giving the other person the "benefit of the doubt"—assuming that he/she has good intentions
• Relying on the other person to fulfill his/her obligations
• Confidence in the other person's judgment; including him/her in decision-making when appropriate

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:4-8).