What it Really Means to Forgive

"Why can't you just let it go?"

That sentiment, in some form or another, has been echoed throughout my life. As a young girl, I learned that "good Christians" not only forgive but forget. However, that mentality left me vulnerable to bullying, harassment, and abuse. As I got older, I began to resent having to forgive and forget. I tried to let go of the past, but no matter how hard I tried, the past wouldn't let go of me.

Eventually, I learned that forgiveness is about more than just letting go. It's about holding on—to your faith, to your values, and to your well-being. Forgiveness is not the absence of the storm, but learning to dance in the rain.

Also, forgiveness is not a re-writing of your story. It is a re-framing of your story. And yes, there is a difference. Re-writing means that you ignore or cover up what has happened to you. Re-framing means that you acknowledge what has happened to you, while also keeping the bigger picture in mind. So, what exactly does this mean? While forgiveness can look different in each situation, it generally involves these 3 things:

#1: Forgiveness confronts. In order to forgive, you must face the facts of what happened. You also need to acknowledge the physical, emotional, and spiritual implications of what happened. Forgiveness doesn't mean being passive or denying your emotions. Rather, forgiveness is the active process of channeling those emotions in a constructive way. Forgiveness means owning what happened, instead of allowing what happened to own you.

#2: Forgiveness repairs. True forgiveness offers real healing and growth, not just shallow platitudes. Also, repairing is not the same as forgetting. When you are physically injured, you can end up with a scar as a permanent reminder. The same is true when it comes to emotional harm. Healing is rarely a neat and tidy process. Like almost everything else in life, it can be messy and ugly and complicated.

#3: Forgiveness keeps everyone's well-being in mind. Forgiveness is not the same as ignoring or excusing sin. Allowing sinful behavior to go on isn't good for the victim, the offender, or society as a whole. Again, forgiveness does not mean passivity or denial of feelings. Our feelings serve important functions when they're channeled properly.

One of these functions is protection. Our feelings motivate us to keep ourselves and others safe by setting boundaries. For example, when a wife takes her children and leaves her abusive husband, this allows her and the children to be safe. And when a violent criminal goes to jail, this keeps society safe from his/her behaviors.

The other function is correction (which is different from punishment). Punishment is about making the other person suffer, and it provides little or no opportunity for growth. Correction, on the other hand, is a learning experience. It is not merely about changing behaviors; it is about changing hearts and minds.

Forgiveness does not mean turning a blind eye to injustice. You can't look at mercy separately from justice, or justice separately from mercy, because they're two sides of the same coin. Justice makes sure that we don't neglect safety and common sense in the name of compassion. Mercy makes sure that we channel our desire for justice in a productive way, rather than creating more hurt in an already broken world.

"He has shown you, O mankind, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God" (Micah 6:8).